God and gay-z

That it began to rain in Atlanta yesterday at almost exactly 1:00 p.m., right when the city's Gay Pride Parade was set to start, surely seems to prove the existence of a God: either one who hates queers or one who prefers his queers to do their marching in wet, clingy clothing. It pleases me that the parade took place on Sunday, the most pious day of the week. It also pleases me that this marginalized group continually finds ways to make its marginalization an empowering fact. I'm totally serious about that. The idea that God made it rain to inconvenience the marchers - well, that was a joke ... sort of. If a Christian believes that everything that is is because of God, then God, creator of everything, should be able to make it rain whenever and whyever (yep, whyever) he wants. He's transcendent and he's omniscient and he's omnipotent, but if he can't make it rain, well ... what would be striking about a God who can't make it rain? I wouldn't believe in that.

(Because I'm very conventional when it comes to grammar, I would capitalize all pronouns that refer to God, as is conventionally done - I would, that is, if I knew how to do it correctly: May I blame public education for my not knowing if the "one" and "who" in the first sentence of this post should be capitalized? Please forgive my ignorance, and go ahead and educate me, if you're so inclined.)

I actually don't believe in God, but my favorite God to talk about is the kind in which conservative Christians believe. That there are kinds, or interpretations, of the God of Christianity, when he is supposed to exist in singularity, doesn't make believing any easier for me. (Cue Christian retort: It's not supposed to be easy.) My atheism is pretty similar to the faith of most people. I'm not a non-believer because of lack of evidence: I don't believe because it doesn't feel real to me, and that, I guess, is about as (il)legitimate as Christians believing simply because it does feel real to them. However, almost all the Christians I've known and spoken to about religion insist that they know it all (God, heaven, hell, sacrifice, forgiveness) is real. While I wonder how they can really know for sure, that they're so wholly convinced does make my "probably not true" attitude appear weak in comparison.

If I happen to find faith (fingers crossed), I am definitely going to believe in and behave according to the doctrines of a very vengeful, unforgiving God. I'm going to believe in Jonathan Edwards' (17th century minister, not 21st century politician) God: "God abhors you," he preached. If the loving, liberal God is the real God, he should forgive my misunderstanding. But if I just assume the loving God is the real God, but the real God is in fact vengeful and in fact abhors me, then I'm fucked (by which I mean "eternally damned").

And assuming God does abhor me and does abhor all sinners, why should I want to join his Christian club? If criminals (state sinners) and gay people are going to hell, then attaching myself to Christianity is like joining a spiritual country club. SoOoO exclusive. Attempts by liberal Christianity to reconcile lifestyles and life habits (criminality, homosexuality) with the religious texts that are often so hostile to those lifestyles and life habits are common. (We've already so fully integrated other reconciliations - like between women and minorities and the Bible's instances of violent racism and sexism - that anyone who condones or lives according to these customs of inequality is generally considered to have a backward, rather than literal, interpretation of the Bible.) The efforts of inclusion made by liberal Christians are nice, but it makes me sad that those who are marginalized both by the Bible and by those who take its messages as absolute truths seek from the Bible and from believes affirmation of any kind: The most odious (and most common) is the claim that it's okay to be gay, because God forgives; or that it's okay that you've committed a crime, because God forgives. God forgives humanity. Christianity tolerates humanity because God will forgive it later. Isn't that splendid. It upsets me that anyone should feel like he or she requires this false acceptance. The real acceptance would be acceptance of certain incompatibilities. But then there's the whole irrational fear of hell "sinners" might feel they have to deal with.

I would like to add that lots of straight Christian folks do lots of fucking for a reason other than procreation. The purpose of the majority of straight sex is probably the same as the purpose of gay sex: pleasure. And for a Christian, who believes fervently in the transcendence of God, to enjoy an orgasm, which is as ephemeral and as spiritually enlivening as an attack of sneezes, seems at least completely frivolous, and it may even be pure evil.

The highway is the perfect place for an atheist, and my enjoyment of the simultaneous decadence and piety of America's highways illustrates well why I seem so unable to be a quiet heathen. When I drove to Florida a few months ago with my boyfriend, I noticed and delighted in the disparity of the messages of the billboards on the interstate. A sign which advertised a "BIBLE OUTLET STORE" was followed by "LUCKY SPA"; the latter touted its "tractor trailer parking in rear" (because, of course, truckers love their facials ... I shouldn't generalize: I'm sure not all truckers love their facials). A sign for the "RISQUE CAFE" was followed by a billboard urging travelers to "CHOOSE LIFE", and a cross in the sign's corner meant the message had been approved for broadcasting by a higher authority. This odd juxtaposition of messages really stimulated my spiritual void - How that's possible, I'm not sure. I'm not indifferent to the ideas of ultimate truth and eternity and absolute morality; it matters very much to me that these ideas exist, and that I don't buy into any of them shouldn't mean I should therefore be quiet about it. It's a big deal for everyone.

Prayers for my soul are appreciated. It would be pretty awesome to see my Grandma again, I must admit.